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Yes...went to take a good look at the keanu reeves lookalike on lygon with candz and bec. was good to see you bec dear...we should TRY to do it more often..but sigh..with uni and all killing us SLOWLY but PAINFULLY....can't promise much....but anyway..'keanu' works as a waiter in one of the restaurants down the road. He's alright i guess. Not as great as expected..but yeah..candz..you're right..he's OK by normal standards...haha.it must be so weird...here this guy is..working in some restaurant...minding his own business....and here we are...checking him out and blogging about him online..haha...how freaky is that..god knows ppl could be blogging about us.....
but yeah...he does somewhat look like keanu..the floppy hair and all..but it's just sumthing else..not too sure what it is...but yeah...ah well..not really into ang mohs unless they're on TV...haha......dunno..it's me..i still go for the asian look...hai...tsk tsk...sorry lib..lid....i know...my taste differs heaps from the both of you..haha...*grin*....give me a nice asian boy anyday...i'll be happy....=o) ~Am~ at 8:27 PM
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~Am~ at 12:47 AM you had a hair cut? fringe? dis i gotta see babe! sen me a pix!! i had dis flashback of u wen were were little . u used to haf shoulder long hair wif a fringe. heheheh so cute... ;) ~Am~ at 1:09 AM i cut my hair! woo hoo....ok...i have to get use to it...i have a fringe now...ahem...although yeah...i swore that i wouldn't cut it and yeah...that i'll just leave it long...i couldn't really say much once her scissors went *snip*....so..yeah..but..i guess it's ok...takes some time to get use to.... so....just a warning...when you ppl see me...dun laugh...*blush* ~Am~ at 4:08 PM Thank you for the recipe baby...i'lll get down to baking.....=o) ~Am~ at 7:52 PM
~Am~ at 1:12 AM Damn it man...have you ever had those feelings...when you're just so sick of yourself you can't stand it..yeah...well...i'm sick of myself...as in..really really tired of ME....sigh...why...i just dun get it...why do i always feel so inadequate...so..hopeless...so dumb...so useless...lousy..crappy...like i have no self worth...no confidence..no nothing... why do i feel like i'm never good enough...never anything....it's so sickening...i dun wanna be like this but not that i can help it.....it's DUMB! Tush..you can beat me up about it...slap me..smack me...whatever it is...cos i hope it helps..i hope it gives me some self-worth....cos right now...i dun feel like i have any....i have lousy self-esteem...sigh...someone...just shoot me...please.... ~Am~ at 11:19 PM sigh...today has been a relatively good day.... woke up early...to go for a swim...man..i haven't swam in ages....did 40 laps...just to make myself feel better about the fact that i really really lack exercise...hehe..but yeah....it feels good...haha...although...i have now learnt that breaststroke makes your thighs HUGE...and yeah..well...now i dunno what to do...cos my bro told me that maybe i should try to do sumthing about my thighs.....damn man....sigh.....how the truth hurts...=o( maybe i should just walk less...or walk slower...haha...it's what jason suggested anyway....i can imagine...telling lid and lib..."hey...dun walk so fast...I dun want my thighs to be big...." haha...sounds damn stupid... then..went for my brother's baptism....sigh....lid should know..thanks for the hug baby....after watching the whole thing....i dunno....and listening to what my brother said about mum...our lives..family..i couldn't take it...i was just crying and crying....sigh...i think i was happy...just really really happy that he's found his place...i mean...sigh...listening to him talk about his past.....and how God has touched him...and everything....sigh....i just couldn't help myself....was holding back until lid hugged me...thank you so much....haha..we must have looked like complete goons..both of us crying like heck..haha...i love you dear.... but yeah..after it all...i just needed to hug him...to tell him how proud i was and how much i loved him...sigh...i just couldn't look at my brother today without crying...cos i was so happy...just so happy and so proud of the fact that he's where he is now...and that he's finally found his place..it's a really big step for him to be baptised...and yeah....i'm just so so glad that he feels he belongs somewhere.....i met his cell group..his friends...ppl whom he has come to find comfort in....it made me happy to know that there others looking out for him too....today just made me realise i really loved my brother...more than i ever thought i did.... sigh....it does feel good to cry...i haven't in such a long time....and man..it's like...just feels so good to just let loose....thank you lid...jason....ivan...for the hugs...and the shoulder to cry on.....cos i really needed it....thanks...=o) ~Am~ at 8:38 PM
~Am~ at 8:37 PM yay..thank you lid..for writing out the lyrics for me..now i have a new chinese song to learn..*grin* not to bad lah..getting through the first verse soon..hehe.. ~Am~ at 4:22 PM i'm sorry..i'm so sorry i made you upset..cos you know i never would want to...i love you heaps...heaps heaps....DOUBLE pinky promise....sigh....i feel so bad.....i'm such a horrible person....you wouldn't be upset if it wasn't for me....sigh....i just din know...if i knew....i would have tried to avoid it...somehow....i'm so so sorry...i know you don't want me to say sorry..but i have to...cos i feel like i'm to blame for a lot of this......wish i wasn't around....wish it didn't happen cos now you're upset....i'm sorry if you didn't want to know.....i'm sorry for everything..... i'm just really really sorry.... ~Am~ at 2:42 PM
went for a drink and then a nice walk today...it was a good walk. =o) thanks yeah? the park actually is a nice place although i dun think I'd walk out there on my own...cos seriously..it's freaky...plus..i have a weak heart for all that crap..so..shall not put myself through all the torture....or...i could just tell myself that anything that moves are just possums....=o) and regardless of what you say..i think they're cute....hehehe....but yeah...was a nice walk..just walking..talking...sitting in a fountain?!?!? hhehehe.....yeah...gets my mind off things....thank you..=o) sorry for making you walk in the rain yea? now i feel bad....=o( ok..now you're supposed to say that it's alright...and that you dun mind walking in the rain..hehe....kidding.... ok...going to bed ppl...really sleepy..eyes on the verge of closing....sweet dreams all....gnite.... ~Am~ at 1:55 AM sigh..tush..it's a feeling...it's a feeling i get...cos i know it's going to happen...it's something i can tell....like in the pit of my stomach.....i know it's like too premature to predict....maybe cos you're right...my head isn't screwed on straight enough for me to think...but yeah....i'll think about whether i want to find out or not..cos it's not playing by the rules like we said..but i have a few months to think about it;.....either way...it's prata...who can be upset when it comes to food...and dun be scared lah woman..it's me...not you.... and yeah...not feeling like an idiot anymore...i shall just take it as a passing comment and move on....i dun feel like saying anything...i'm just tired...worn out....sick of going through EVERYTHING....so..i shall just not...will just sit back...and take things easy....sigh..forget damage control lah...it's a dumb idea.... ~Am~ at 1:59 AM sigh...still feelin wasted....damn man.....candz...tush...damage control...how the heck am i going to do this....hai.... ~Am~ at 2:49 AM
~Am~ at 1:50 AM haha..yes tush.it's like an oscar speech. oh man..ok, ppl. I feel like a complete idiot. I talked to eddie about stuff, and yeah, he told me sumthing new that I didn't know before. oh god man, i am such an idiot. Why am...why are you such a dope...sigh...i never listen to anyone..... ~Am~ at 1:12 PM like oscar speech... :) ~Am~ at 3:00 PM I need to say a few thank yous.. Lid: for the concern and the encouragement.... Lib: for the msgs last night....i'm so glad i have you both...the hug last night was good..even if lid was in a funny position.... Candz: for the encouragement..and the painting idea..i'll think about it...=o) Tush: for the sms and the fact that you care...it's more than enough baby...i love you... Shan: for the blog...i sure hope things do get better.... Munster: for the long talk in the library...i feel so bad you din manage to get any work done..i feel so bad...letting it all out on you..but thank you..for listening...=o) thank you all..for being there...i dunno what i'd do if i din have ppl to be there for me in one way or another...sigh...lets just hope things do get better soon.... ~Am~ at 1:10 PM
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Things WILL get better in time ~Am~ at 1:09 AM sorry the last entry was so long...i just couldn't stop writing...i thought jotting down what i felt might make me feel better...but it just made things worse..sigh....i dunno... god...if someone has a suggestion...please give me one...i hate feeling all shitty and crappy and knowing what i should do but not knowing how to do it..ok..i dunno if i made any sense at all...sigh... ~Am~ at 7:54 PM Sigh...essay finally handed in..one more on monday.....but other than that..going to rest today..it's been a pretty tiring few days physically and emotionally... Went to watch a soccer match today..the guys lost...sigh...felt bad for them...i know how it feels..when something is just so close yet so far....and when you dun get what you want it feels so disappointing....that's why i decided to leave early...din think it'd be a good idea if i hung around...sometimes when things upset you..it's best to leave ppl alone.... and told karthi all about our 'forfeit'...sigh..he's going to talk to phil..dunno what he's gonna say....ah..who cares... Just had a nice talk with shan today...about how I've been feeling...and how i should try to sort things out with all these 'dillemmas' in my life......I dunno...I've been feeling all sad and depressed the last few days.....thank you to candz, lid and shan for noticing and trying to cheer me up...i was hoping it wouldn't show...but apparently it must have been obvious cos the three of you knew..=o) thanks for the talk candz & shan...i guess i needed it...if i didn't i might end up a wreck the next few days...not knowing what to do....and to lid..thank you for the note and the post-its and the lollipop. And the ice cream offer..hehe...i know ice cream can make ppl happy....it's been tested and proven...*smile*... ahha..shan..i just got you sms..thank you...i needed tat too...like a reminder...=o) man...like i was telling candice...why is life so complicated?...one moment things look great..they're fine...and everyone is alright...then life decides to slap you in the face for no apparent reason....damn..i hate feeling sad...i hate feeling any other emotion than happy....cos it's just too tiring to be angry...and it hurts too much to be sad... sigh...I've been missing my mum lately..eversince i met her ex-students at China Bar......wonder what she'd say if i just told her about everything I've been feeling...all the things i've been up to...sigh...it's been kinda long now..like 3 years...oh man...has time really gone by that fast??...but yet it felt like everything just happened...sigh....i dunno...i still remember not crying on tat day...i dunno why i didn't...i couldn't cry...i just couldn't...i dunno whether it was cos it hadn't hit me...or whether I didn't want to...for her sake...trying to be 'strong' and all that shit when in fact i was a crumbling mess.... I still remember when my brother cried...when he said that life was unfair....I remember when i saw my dad cry for the first time....i remember when the only thing i could say then was that she's happier...cos life sucked for her then and maybe it was best things turned out this way....but even when i said those things I couldn't help being selfish...wishing that she was still around...i miss her hugs...i miss her smile..i miss it when we talked in bed about stupid things like..guys...and her bfs...and how funny she sounded when she tried to explain to me how she dodged some guy in her CAR...man...and yeah..mum's a psycho driver...a good..but psycho driver...she swears all the time....tsk tsk.... i dreamt about her yesterday although i don't remember what she said...was the bloody alarm's fault..cos the stupid beeping woke me up....but i dunno....i kinda sat in bed for a while..regretting a lot of things..like...not learning how to bake and cook from her...she can cook so well it's not funny...especialy since I've been making muffins recently...my brother said that at least some of mum has rubbed off on me...sigh..made me miss her even more....I regret not learning chinese when she wanted to teach me...not saying 'I love you' enough..not giving her enough kisses...not hugging her enough.....getting mad at her when i shouldn't have...I should have stayed at home in brunei instead of leaving for spore even though she thought it best that both of us go....if i could have taken back all tat time and spent it with her..i would have... I still remember crying during the time when i was really sick...i was in hospital so many times it wasn't funny..i remember her holding my hand and telling me that she would do anything to trade places with me....I didn't understand why she would have wanted to do that then...why the heck would she want to go through all the shit i was going through....but when i saw her in that hospital bed...I felt the same way she did...i would have done anything to have taken her place..to be able to see her open her eyes...to not see her suffer...to not see her face cringe when it hurts... I couldn't take the fact that she was hurting...i couldn't....that's why i told her that if she wanted to go she could...and i promised to look after my dad and my bro...but sometimes..when i get mad at my brother..when i scream at him once in a while....when i go back only once a year to see my dad and i dun spend that much time with him cos my stupid aunt irene is there...i begin to wonder if i've done my half of the promise...i dunno whether mum is proud of me..whether i've done or am doing what i told her i would...whether i have let her down...whether she's upset at me....whether she's mad...whether she isn't happy with what i am doing..or what i've done......................i wish i knew... My english teacher asked me to keep a journal..or make a scrapbook all about her...while the memories are still fresh..the thing is...i got all the photos...of us when i was still a baby..i got the paper...i got everything i needed....but i haven't started it yet..i know i really should...I know i should at least try to make some time for it..but yet i dun have enough time with uni and crap....but...i duno...maybe i won't need a scrapbook....cos for some reason...Impt memories haven't faded yet...they're still there....and i guess they're the only thing i can hold on to....cos you always take ppl for granted until they leave...or until you leave them...and then it hits you...then the only thing you can keep are memories...it's not tangible but it's better than nothing.... sigh... i owe her a card...maybe i should write a long long letter instead...so much has happened over the past year since i wrote her a card...i don't think everything i want to say would fit....man...i'm due in for a lot of catching up....sigh.... ~Am~ at 6:10 PM hehe go for him am! maybe he can get u back into the mooting rounds with a different partner :P ~Am~ at 7:18 PM
PLUS: sexiest song at the moment - R.Kelly: Ignition (Remix)...*grin* MATCHBOX 20 - UNWELL All day staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall All night hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good for something Hold on Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown And I don't know why [Chorus] But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be...me I'm talking to myself in public Dodging glances on the train And I know, I know they've all been talking about me I can hear them whisper And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me Out of all the hours thinking Somehow I've lost my mind [Chorus] But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be I've been talking in my sleep Pretty soon they'll come to get me Yeah, they're taking me away [Chorus] But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be Yeah, how I used to be How I used to be Well, I'm just a little unwell How I used to be How I used to be I'm just a little unwell ~Am~ at 3:51 PM
to candice and lidia esp..who know i have a thing for the judge who judged our moot...he talked to me in the library...i din think he would...i nearly couldn't say anything...shit....he's cute! he came over..cos he knew we dropped out of the moot...i told him i wasn't really happy with kart..and yeah...that he called in sick.... he told me i should have handed in both submissions...he said the judges thought we would have won the moot if we kept going..damn it man...sigh...kinda feel wasted..cos at least he thought we were good enough....damn it...sigh....oh well..it's kart's fault...he called in sick..and now they considered it a forfeit...i dunno how he'll take it..but i'll see what happens when i break it to him tonight... but somehow...i feel kinda wasted although i feel happy...i mean...if they really thought we were good enough we should have kept going..i mean...at least I would have a chance to prove myself...give a shit about karthi.... sigh...he's cute...shit shit shit....i nearly couldn't say anything when he smiled....candice...you have to slap me...i'm going nuts.... ~Am~ at 3:35 PM Me: Tired Confused Sad Stressed Sick Heartache sigh.... Just wanna go to sleep...maybe I'll be better in the morning. ~Am~ at 11:53 PM
People...skiing was so excellent..i had so much fun...went down an intermediate slope on the second day..haha...i was crazy..but it was so worth every cent...man...i have to go next year...no regrets whatsoever......fell a few times...haha..lid and I had great experiences when it comes to falling...haha...we're the best lah dear...i swear we should just join the circus....we'd do a pretty good job...*grin*.... Sigh..the bus ride was so depressing....it's like this 'back to reality' feeling...assignments..essay due on wednesday..life can suck..sigh.... sitting in the library now...today has been pretty nice i guess...after school..came home..saw some of my brother's friends..those i haven't seen in a long time...kinda miss them....sigh...having them around...i guess it makes you feel nice that you have friends.... then i met alwi on the way to the law library....he's a friend of mine from brunei...we were in the same class since form 1..=o) so we go way back...but yeah..i guess the nicest thing was...i met his friends...both from Brunei too..they use to be mum's students...which is nice...cos they have fond memories of her when she was still teaching....sigh...it's been some time since someone told me about my mum..guess it's like a reminder for me that she really touched ppl around her....sigh...guess it's that whole missing feeling....wishing that she was still around....sigh...sometimes i feel like whining and i feel bad whining to other ppl cos i dun wanna bug them with my petty problems....sigh.... Her birthday just past too...30th Aug, and i feel so bad because i was so busy doing my essay to get ready for the ski trip..sigh...it was no excuse...i should have made time for her..i din even write her a card...hope she's not mad...i'll prob go buy orchids tomoro and write out a belated birthday card...and then i can tell her all about my ski trip and all about things that have been going on...although...i'm sure she'll know everything that has been happening...she's prob tsking at me...haha..for being the idiot I am.... when i drink..she's prob shaking her head...when i fall she's prob shaking her head...when I ran into lidia she was probably laughing...haha....yeah lid...i tell her about you...=o) she prob thinks you're funny.... sigh...i miss her heaps now....wishing she was still around..and listening to what her ex-students have to say..about what kind of a person she was..how much she cared about her students...how motherly she was...how i kinda look like her..except SHORTER....how i talk way more than her....haha....wish she could have heard it all...cos she left good memories with ppl...and it makes me really proud that she was my mum.... sigh....have an assignment to do...better get down to doing it... and tush...i took your personality test....haha..here's what i got... You're The Ultimate “It” Girl! You’re charismatic and popular — the girl on everyone’s radar. A mix of smarts, magnetism and sensitivity, you’re the total package. Love at first sight can work for you, but so can a good second impression. You’re as comfortable in sweats as you are in a suit or an evening gown. Your personality lights up a room and keeps everyone coming back for more. And you can work out, volunteer, finish the big presentation, find the perfect gift for your pal, and still find time to do your nails and cuddle up with your guy. Face it, you’re an overachiever! Girl next door? Confidante? Perfect love? Baby, you’ve got it all. Your balanced personality is a great asset. Use your combination of emotion, intellect and natural charm to smooth out even the roughest situations. right...*rolls eyes*...haha...it's kinda silly guess...these quizzes tell you all the nice things about you...dun believe them half of the time..although it's funny what they 'predict' about you.... people...go try it if you want...www.mychemistryprofile.com..........just for kicks...why not? And tush..sorry I haven't been able to call you..i feel bad but I have to catch up with so many things...sigh...once it's all over..i'll call you....miss youheaps dear....take good care of yourself over there...and i'm glad that things are better now...enjoying life yeah? =o) told you it's a great feeling....*wink*....I'll bake for you when we get back...ahha...turn you all domesticated again..... ok...gtg..will blog tomoro... ~Am~ at 7:33 PM ohman...mooting..so dreading doing this..i din enjoy doing this one...karthi and i are supposed to be partners here..and all he did was leave me at the bloody library on my own..hello! i don't do that..even when i'm done i still bloody hang around till you're finished...what an asshole....oh god...i dun get it.....cheez man..unwanted stress.... ~Am~ at 10:40 AM YES YES YES!!! WOO HOO!!! YAY! I cannot believe it. One and a half essays down. Oh yeah..uh huh...*prances round the room and does a funny dance*...god i'm so happy. all i need now is a great weekend skiing. haha, i so can't wait. it's amazing, i can't believe i pulled this off. sigh.... skiing..swimming..laughing...it's going to be great..32 ppl in total..how excellent is that...oh man...I am going to enjoy myself..cos i seriously need the rest for a while...and you know what will make things even better? losing the moot on thursday. muahaha...i know it sounds dumb..but karthi is fucking up things royally.. can't stand it. If we dun win..oh man, i will be so happy. I'll have to pretend i'm upset. no more karthi.. sigh..ok..please please..if someone up there likes me..they'd help me lose..... ~Am~ at 2:42 AM god...so so pisssed off...what the fuck is up with karthi man..i can't stand it...sigh..please please...if i can lose the bloody moot on thursday i will....aaarrgghh... ~Am~ at 10:38 AM |
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