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man..so freaking tired...library closed early today..damn it man..kinda liking the fact that i can go to library..cos I can study there...like..if i stay at home..got the comp and stuff....yeah..so.think i'm more productive when i'm there...sigh..and it closes early on the weekends too..damn..oh well..nvm..stay till late on monday again...
oh..and yes..Lid and i have found a person in the library for me to oogle at...he use to look cuter though..one of eddie's frens and he's actually a fren of a fren in spore..quite funny really..he's cute..in a physical sense and in his mannerism as well..for crying out loud..who the heck chews on their sweater..it looked damn funny..but he's got nice eyes though..hmm..lid...what you think..ok..he'll have to do lah...since there's no one else in the library to look at...and sigh..keeps me occupied while i study..otherwise it'll be BORING... man..going to the library so much..i feel so nerdy...urgh..yuck... ok..going to bed..need rest....sweet dreams ppl.... ~Am~ at 1:29 AM My god!! i woke up at like 9.30 for a bloody 9am class...man..so shitified..haha...but i waltzed in like 40 mins late..oh well..the tutor is nice..i come for all classes and anyhow...i LOVE this subject i'm taking..so...i kinda wanna go for it..cos always enjoy the class... sigh..UNI is over for the sem..woo hoo..and onward with the assignments...man..it's so fast...i kinda enjoyed what i was doing this sem..realy hope that it's like that next sem too..cos i mean really...i'm beginning to like uni and the frens i meet...hehe...apart from the assignmentts and all..and sigh..not fair...a fren of mine going back on monday...damn it man..why why why....and i'm stuck here..when i wanna go back.... ~Am~ at 11:27 AM
sigh..man...my frens are like having discussions about love and if it exists and all..sigh..sumtimes though..i find it hard that it might....i mean...between family...like mother-daughter...frens...but then again..sigh...do i really believe that love for another person actually exists??..or maybe it's cos i dun wanna fall in love...or whatever it might be...i dunno..maybe it's the fact that I've been disappointed so many times that i seriously dun wanna deal with all this bullshit anymore...i mean...honestly...i dun wanna put in my effort for sumone who is completely not worth it..heck...you want me...you give me a good freaking reason why i should bother about you....and if i like you...sigh..there better be a good reason why i should bother trying....although..hmm..i always find that the case is such that i dun bother about ppl unless i like them...like...doesn't interest me much if they like me and i have not shown any interst at all...i mean..i doubt i'd be persuaded...so... my fren suggested to me today..that maybe the reason why i haven't found the need to get attached is cos i haven't felt wat a relatinoship is like yet..but in a way i have i guess...with Kel...i know what it's like to be mushy and all..even if i din really like him...and i know what a kiss is like..but then...i mean...i dun feel like i really need those things...i dun feel like i need such physical things that ppl around me can't give....frens..man..they give me more than enough love that i need to get past the week....heck..why would i need some guy to come ruin and complicate things... ah..maybe i'm being too resistive to the idea...maybe i'm not giving myself a chance...but then again..i dunno...sigh....i guess...when i find someone who hasn't disappointed me..then maybe things will be alright..oh well..going to bed..enogh thinking...sweet dreams ppl..hugz.. ~Am~ at 3:15 AM haha....been at the libraray recently.sorry i haven't been blogging..nothing much on my mind for the moment..esp since i've got too much school work to deal with..damn it man..sigh... on the other hand...hehe..i've bene walking arounf the last few days with a hole in my pants.haha....dunno lah...stupid jeans..gives me more of an excuse to get NEW jeans..SHOPPING!! and i seriously need more tops and a really warm jacket..it's so freaking cold it's not funny...my head is so cold i get headaches...now...that's bad... ~Am~ at 1:10 AM man..shit..i had soooo much fun yesterday..you wouldn't believe it...shan..absolutely no regrets doing this dance...not tha i ever had any..but yeah man..haran swears i was born into the wrong race... i wore a ghagra for the first time yesterday....was so pretty..borrowed one from shan..it's like this indian dress...was a lime green colour..it's two piece....beautiful design man.with a bow at the back..and like this translucent scarf..was so nice..damn..din get a photo..shall go to shan's house play dress up and get a photo ok? thank you shan..for everything...i really enjoyed myself... the dance performance went really well...then we danced to bhangra music..my god..i din know it was so fun....i really like it..was jumping around ....haha....wanna go to a bhangra club one day...hehe..shan? lets go....and then after that we went to an rnb club...that was fun too...only thing i began to realise was that bhangra is way more happening...hai....funny things happened at the club too....haha..but too embarassed to tell..so..hai..just ask shan lah..for ppl who wanna know...she was there... on the whole..it was damn fun.....good music...free food...free clubbing..hai..life can be good..but now..sigh..gotta get back to work...oh well....bye peeps....blog soon...hugz.... ~Am~ at 1:50 PM sigh..he called today..i was so surprised..but god..it made me soo happy..just to hear his voice...sigh...he's going to call me again tomoro..wanna sort things out as well...i dun wanna keep going on like this cos really..i don't...i dun wanna be mad at him anymore..i jsut want to go back to being frens again..alright frens..not frens that dunnno waht's going on...sigh... anyhow...i better go..have the dance tomoro..going to wear a punjabi suit or sumthing..haha..how cool is that.see ya peeps...gnite.. ~Am~ at 2:23 AM fuck...shit man...ok...prash is in hospital..i just found out...shit man..ok..now i really dunno what to do...i just dun wanna care..fuck fuck fuck..aarrggh...i need to go for a walk..damn it man.... ~Am~ at 10:40 PM Thank you dear....it was a really nice card you got...thank you so much for sharing it with me....sigh..it's true that i dun like to impose my problems on other ppl.hehe..it's why i have this blog i guess..so i can just write whatever i want..and yet i feel so grateful that everyone here is willing to sit and listen to my bullshit... thank you everybody..it makes me feel a whole lot better to know i have ppl who care about me...and can make me happy when i'm down...=o) on a lighter note..i won my moot ppl..hehe..am really happy..phew..wasn't too bad..judge said i answered the Q well..i seriously swear i was rambling on about CRAP...but yeah...hehe..Tush..will think hard about getting into the ally mcbeal look..hehe..love you all..muaks...shan..thanks again..i'll see you tomoro...muaks.. ~Am~ at 3:00 PM
The past couple of weeks have been an emotional ride for me. It feels like I've been rolling helplessly downhill for weeks and I keep expecting an uphill but it isn't coming!! I remembered this card I picked up at a Christian store in Singapore, when I was in JC2. I bought 2 cards with 2 friends in mind, but ended up giving it to only Sid. Every now and then she reminds me of the words on that card, and it never fails to uplift me. Tonight I was glad I kept the other card. Because I really did need those uplifting words... Funny how you extend your heart and thoughtfulness to another in a bid to help him/her, but you can fail to realise how you need that kind of healing too. I thought maybe I would share them with you too. So, here it goes. It's entitled: "Let Go & Let God" As children bring their broken toys, With tears for us to mend, I brought my broken dreams to God, Because he is my friend. But then instead of leaving Him In peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help, With ways that were my own. At last, I snatched them back again And cried, "How can you be so slow?" "My child" He said, "What could I do? You never did let go." I love you Am. I hope things get better for you in every way. I know that, in a way, you, like me, don't wish to burden the ones around you with your troubles. It can be hard to translate your truest emotions to another person, where there is a chance he/ she may not completely understand what makes you YOU. Remember that there can be only one being that completely understands you, without you having to put into words what you feel. Just try to remember those words up there, and realise that He made you. Who else would know you better than Him? Right? As Candide puts into words what all the religious scriptures advocate: All is for the best!! :) Chin up baby! If ever you need someone to talk to, or simply ramble to, or make one of those all-time favourite sound effects to :), you can call me! God knows how we all need some form of emotional support to keep us from reaching for a blade or bottle of pills. Take care. I'll be seeing you for Torts on Tues... Oh ya, we have dance rehearsal on Friday night, and Saturday (tentative). Will talk to you soon okay? Goodnight... Love you. Don't forget to remember Him okay? PS> You can delete this after reading it if you want! Sorry! ~Am~ at 2:39 AM Sigh..told you I'd regret it...hai...anyway...i think i was most peeved off with fongy..he manages to succesfully say everything at the wrong time..sigh..i dunno....anyway....going to try to be nicer...been pretty mean to him lately...not good lah...i mean..he din do anything worng..it's just me and my hormonal imbalance giving me problems...sigh..plus the many many things going on around me...i dunno...hurts that so many ppl around me aren't doing too good...and it kinda rubs off too..sigh...dunno but after my bro's frens left yesterday i got the whole house to myself..sigh..what bliss man..was soooo happy...glad tat i could do what i wanted..pigged out on the couch...brought my blanket out...snuggled under it and watched TV...i could spread my legs on the whole couch without worrying about someone else wanting to sit down..it was bliss man...just me....sigh...how i wish i could have more time like that..closure..without having ppl around me all the time....ah well..... ~Am~ at 10:10 AM Oh my god..ok...i dunno if it's just me..or it's really mean to say....shit man.hanging around Ivan's frens..it's like being with a whole bunch of kids...aarrgghh...i swear man...maybe i'm just pmsing...but i feel like i'm going to die being here cos i'm surrounded by idiots who complain and whine and actu tough and aarrggh...ok ok...i know it's mean..i'll prob regret it like tomoro...but aargrggh... ~Am~ at 7:33 PM
my fren's grandma passed away yesterday morning...sigh.i mailed her a LONG mail...to let her know she's not alone....i hope she's alright...sigh...it sucks when things like that happen...esp know when it's nearing exams...sigh....just really hope she's ok sigh..Ren called me last night..been trying to avoid seeing him so often...hopefully it'll work....wanted to watch Matrix reloaded last night but no tickets..damn it man..hai.. dunno...lots of things on my mind and a lot of ppl around me not doing to good..sigh..makes me feel sad I guess...tat ppl can get upset...the world can be so mean....dunno...and i'm having those wanna go away feelings again..wanting to be alone..but i cna't..no time..no where to go.if i go ppl wonder where i'm going..sigh..just going to sneak out one day..hopefully no one will notice...then go take a walk..watch a movie...cos sigh..i need it... ~Am~ at 9:48 AM Oh man..what the *toot*....sorry to Lid and Tush if i didn't talk to you both last night. I was up puking A LOT...i ate sumthing wrong yesterday for lunch..and i was just there..puking and puking like 5-6 times man...aarggh..i felt sooo sick...din sleep till 12.50 am....i am NOT eating there again..WARNING..the thai place on lygon closest to queensberry....arrggh..yuck yuck yuck..and it felt so horrible..you know how tired you feel after you puke...sigh...i was so exhausted...and i felt so weak..sigh...dunno lah..i swear someone cursed my food..damn it man...but good thing the guys were there..my god....we've succesfully seen each other puke..except they all puked cos they were drunk..i got POISONED!!!... feel lucky i guess cos i have ppl around me to take care of me....my bro told me a bedtime story to put me to sleep..haha..cos i asked for it..and he told me...the usual..there was this girl..taking media/law...she got very sick one day...la dee daa..then he went on to say..she had frens to take care of her when she was sick..and it made her realise that sumtimes you dun need to be independant all the time..that there are ppl who will take care of her..and sometimes she can just let other ppl do things for a change...i was like..sigh..yeh...i guess....dunno...kinda made me realise that no matter how much i like being independant sumtimes i need ppl there to be with me..or someONE to be there with me..to make sure i'm alright..sigh..yeah..maybe... anyhow..sigh..my fren today..told me her grandma had a stroke and went into a coma...and if she gets out she'll literally be a vegetable...can't see..can't speak.cant balance....i was like..shit..i felt like crying too...and it all was so dejavu..it was like...i dunno...sigh....life has it's unexpected moments....sumtimes it's not fair..and i know how much she loves her grandma....went with her to go buy a ticket home..hopefully she leaves ASAP cos if it was anything like i felt..i wanted to be there as fast as i could...and it all happened around this time...i remmeber sending a poem on mother's day to get my uncle to read it to mum when she was in bed...i dunno if she could hear it...but i hope she did.... ~Am~ at 11:28 AM Tomorrow Is Not Promised Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are and who you want to become. You never know who these people may be: your neighbor, child, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, will power, or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whether they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience create who you are, and even the bad experiences can be learned from, In fact, they are probably the poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart... If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them. Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again... Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high... Hold your head up because you have every right too. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself... for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live in it! "Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last... Tomorrow is Not Promised" ~Am~ at 8:38 PM
i saw SELENA today..the show with J Lo starring in it..it was pretty good...i liked it..but..haha..they were talking about marriage at 20...and it made me wonder...if i were in that situation..i'm 19 now..shit man...I"M OLD>....aarrrggh...i feel freaking ancient and that life is passing by me so fast...i dun like it...i wan time to go slower...and sigh.to top it off..i feel alone as well..it's like things are sweeping past me faster than i realised...=o( what to do?.... ~Am~ at 7:30 PM Sigh..finished my assignment..going to proof read it before i go later to hand it up....sigh...one of my more relaxed assignments..was like..doing it..then went out to talk to frens..then doing it..then went back to chatting online...my god man..what happened to my attention span..haha.but yeah...glad that it's done...sigh..and onwards to the more that are due.....*gloom*... there were so many ppl over yesterday..i swear i have this congregation of ppl over at my place everyday..haha..but it's nice i guess...never lonely..and my fren Jason...fren from my hostel in spore...he's like a little brother to me..and he always cooks for me when he's here..it's so sweet...makes sure I'm ok when i'm studying..it's nice..haha..i swear i don't need a bf anymore..cos i have frens who are there to emotionally support me..and I've got ppl like Jason who feeds me..ahha..and not to forget..i have baxter (lid's dog)...my godson...hehe...sigh..life can be bliss... sigh...kinda makes me realise how lucky i am i guess...i dunno...i have good frens around me..ppl who care about me..ppl who take me for my quirks and nonsense....which is good..cos at least i know i've got ppl to run to when I'm upset....=o) Sigh....i dunno why though...maybe it's the mother's day thing..but i went to read the letters i got from ppl when mum went....should have gone straight to sleep but dunno what got me to go take a look at the box...i just couldn't stop crying...and now i think my eyes are puffy...damn it..sigh..i dunno...till now it still seems so surreal....that it's not happening...as in..how can it be..how could it have happen...how i regret not spending more time..how i regret staying with her longer the hours before she went into a coma...i dunno...god...yesterday i just wished there was a way i could talk to her..cos i so want to...i wouldn't be scared...i wouldn't be afraid...cos all i want to know is if she's ok..and if she is looking over me...if she's proud of me..am i upsetting her in anyway..cos i just want to know...sigh....one of my dance partners told me about a psychic that she went to...the psychic is greek....and she was damn accurate it's freaky...but she could talk to ppl who've past away and stuff...and god i was so tempted to go...cos i really want to know..i really want to find out..it's freaky i guess..to know your fate..and sometimes you wonder if it's right to know what's in store for you..but in any case..i dun care if i don't know..i just wanna talk to my mum....sigh...even if it's for a little while...i don't mind..... And to top it off...things are going upside down...Ren called me last night.had a talk with Lidia last night when she was over...we talked about things..baby..i miss that so much..will come to see u tonight yeah...=o) and yeah.i dunno..it's beginning to make me more sensitive to things happening between Ren and i..i mean.he calls more often now...and it really worries me...cos i mean.really...what if he really does like me again...i know myself..i dun think I'll be able to handle going through saying no and patching up all over again...no..i so don't want to..i've got to avoid it somehow but i dunno how...just...in some way I've got to tell him I'm not interested at all.....yet...i dunno how to slip it into the conversation..i mean..i act disinterested when he calls...saying i've got work to do...la dee daa..I've told him before in one of our conversations that i'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon...just..somehow i've got to keep telling him..that i'm not interested..cos i swear i dun wanna put him through all this shit again..it was bad enough i put him through it once....i dun wanna do it again..... sigh..and it makes me think sometimes...will i ever get attached...or more like..will i ever want to get attached..as in..ppl i like dun like me back..and well...i dun wanna settle for ppl..cos it's not fair to the other person..and it's like....I see myself as so independant...as in...i refuse to let ppl do things for me....i prefer to take care of myself most of the time...which i dunno would be a good thing for some guys...cos i dunno if they can handle the fact that i can be so on my own.....I mean....i dun think I'll need someone to do things for me...all i need to know is he cares..he bothers about me...how i am...what i'm doing...if i'm ok.....sigh....and yet i find so little guys who can give me that emotional support..a guy i can talk to and just go on and on and know that he'll love me for all the weirdness packaged in my head....sigh..i dunno...sometimes i do wanna thank fongy...i mean...for some reason...he did appreciate me for a person...and he saw me in a way i never thought anyone would.....just one i day..i want that..from someone i like..someone i care about..someone who won't take me for granted..someone who'll see me as this wonderful person as i would them...sigh....if it ever happens.... and Prash mailed back...it wasn't long..a little short..saying he'll be back to normal again and will contact nish and i soon...but..sigh..i dunno...was like blasting away yesterday...lidia, Adi (Lid's bro), shan, anita (shan's cousin), jason, Ivan (my bro) and me...dunno how we managed to slip into the conversation about prash..but i just said i couldn't be bothered if he can't..i dun wanna care if he can't give a shit about me....and there nish was...defending him..saying...i know prash..he cares...i was like...yeah..well..i know sometimes you don't believe he's capable of doing things...and i know him...he can care..but sometimes..ppl change..ppl can be different...and it made me pretty upset....i hate this feeling...cos it makes me feel like I'm beginning to hate him..cos i dun wanna...it's like you Tush babe...i feel like he's the enemy..someone on the other side...he made me feel so damn under appreciated..unappreciated to the point i feel like such a dumbass....I've so had enough...it happens ALL the time..and i don't exaggerate when i say that..it happens all the time...i'm taken for granted over and over again..and i just dun get it...it's like..sometimes i dunno why i bother giving my all to ppl i care about..cos some ppl that i do care about can't seem to bother giving a shit back....i don't know..i really don't.... and i know it's a really hard time for him now..and yet I feel like i can't bring myself to show i care...cos god...i dun get it...he makes it seem like this is the only reason why he's not contacting ppl..i mean...hello..he's been like this even BEFORE all of this happened...i understand he can't call..i understand he can't mail..i'm not asking him to go out on a limb to contact me...all i asked was he fulfill a promise that he made AGES ago...and he didn't do it..he was supposed to send the bloody SIM card..how hard is that..i mean..seriously....he can go out with the rest BEFORE all of this happened..and he can't drop by and just dump into the freaking mail box...sigh...it's like..why bother caring...he doesn't..why bother...really...and i dun get it...i mean...in the mail..he was like apologising for not contacting ppl and to not be mad at him..cheez man...i swear..who would be mad at him cos he doens't contact anyone cos he's having problems right now....i kinda feel like I'm all alone..that I'm the only one upset at him...and yet it makes me feel like such a bitch...i mean..hello..which person would be upset at him NOW..of all times...god...Nish prob thinks I'm being unreasonable..cos well..generally..he's a guy...they stick up for one another....*rolls eyes*..everyone is going to think I'm being so unreasonable... uncaring person who can't be sensitive to how he's feeling...sigh..i dunno..maybe i've just gotten this way cos it's happened too much....it has happened one too many times and i can't handle it anymore....cna't handle it to the point i can just not care...sigh...i dunno..i dunno...I'm confused.... ~Am~ at 10:21 AM hello..got back really EARLY this morning...sigh..went for Ren's bday party...went well...we got him a guitar...he loves it...looks so happy..hehe..but yeah..it's nice that we made his day...and we had MUD cake man...shit..there was like heaps of chocolate...i ate into the chocolate toppping and i got a headache..i swear i was going to become diabetic...sheesh man...rich like heck..but yeah..hehe... we were running around like idiots yesterday...louise and i..man...first...had to get money for the guitar...but lou cldn't withdraw...i din have enough in my account cos dad din put any in...and then....i tried to get ying but she couldn't cos she was busy...couldn't get anyone else...and then lou called..her practical finished early..THANK GOD...then she transferred money into my account via net banking...*phew*...then we ran down to city...found jason..bough groceries from the Asian grocers....(i bought shitloads of stuff...sigh.u know me...and my love for grocery shopping)...and then ran to buy a cake....pick up the guitar...man...the three of us looked like we were moving house..and lugged ALL of it back to Jason's place..sigh..tired man...talk about hectic... went for Ren's dinner...went to jason's place....then we went to crown..and then we came back..fren walked me home..sigh..was a good night...although..i dunno if it's obvious to the rest that he's flirting with me all the time and i back as well...i mean..it's like become normal after a while...nothing's wrong with harmless flirting..as long as we both knw where each other stand...or...i could stop altogether....but then he'll be wondering why i'm being so cold lately..then ai...big complication...cos it's great so far...we're good frens again..like before...it took like close to 1 1/2 years to get here.....dun wanna ruin it and start from scratch AGAIN......hai..i dunno...please please let this not go anywhere i dun want it to go...sigh..ying...i bet you've noticed...so....sigh..will talk to you about it soon...and yeah babe..HUGZ!!! you're fine...=o) wuv you heaps.... ok..better get back to work..assignment due on monday...sigh...sniff sniff...why why..*whine* ~Am~ at 11:04 AM Sigh....fren of mine just said sumthing bout reading emails and feeling like out of it....i know what she means....it's kinda like when i read his mail..it was mass and everything..but..you know....it makes you sad cos it's like you haven't heard from him in ages...and things use to be on a more personal level...now it's like..you're like everyone else...you get the mass like everyone..which..sigh..kinda sucks...i dunno...aaah....dun think so much...full of nonsense... i have a bday party tonight..Ren's bday..should be nice...all of us got him a guitar...he'll be SOOOOO happy...he loves playing..so...bet he'll be really happy...ok...gtg.... ~Am~ at 12:24 PM Hello ppl..good morning..hehe..ok..it's been a while since i blogged...sigh....not had enough time and i have another assignment due soon...on monday...man..why do these assignments keep sneaking up on you like that....sigh....oh well...uni life...it SUCKS.....*frown*... dunno....i'm glad tat things have worked out...i din tell anyone about my bro's fren liking me...well..yeah..he did...he told me when he as drunk one night...and i was like..oh shit..shit shit shit..you can just imagine the look on my face...was along the lines of...'ok crap what am i going to do now??!?!?!?!'...sigh..oh well..but we sorted it out already....he told me he couldn't control his feelings blah blah blah..and just glad we've got it cleared that nothing will happen..i mean..hello..it's not the age thing...(he's 17 by the way)...it's the...we dun connect on any other level apart from just insulting with each other....and yeah..he's still immature in some sense..PLUS...most impt factor..he's my bro's good fren..would be soooo weird for him....it'll be like dating my own brother..ok..that feels weird t0o..but yeah....anyway....it's cleared now.....i'm so glad... he's a very poetic person by the way..i din mention...sigh...i din know I'd ever find another person who's so into ANGELS and POETRY like Prash...but yeah...that's besides the point...should show it to you ppl...hold on My Last Lines Watching your eyes, Angel I see within A blinding light of spirit deep inside A brave aura that reflects your heart strong A mountain of white fair beauty compare. Why does your beauty reveal itself now Never felt so queer a feeling before Never felt a pain that was this shallow Wind and Waves watch as I think about you. Looking back again, my broken heart melts Like no pain nor sorrow, I turn away only to melt again like flame on skin But I will bear this heat just to show you I felt a tidal wave, you, survivor. I really dont know, why I could feel so My feelings know not I, but true they be Confusion direction tell not apart I wish I just knew more of words of you. But in the end I realise that I do I will let go now, and would never know Never forget that I once loved you true Forever a memory I'll know, would you? In my last lines, I'll talk but about you For even eternity suffice not Phases extending beauty comparing So much in you to describe in one day Wish now be forever, Maybe.... No more.... It's a little sappy...but yeah...i was glad he's forgotten already...and even then..in some sense..someone did appreciate me for the person i am...man..i din think anyone would ever think of me like that...like..as an angel...i mean....hello!!! it's me...good ol buddy buddy Am....nothing like what he described...sigh..but oh well..makes me feel happy that there may be someone who may think of me like that one day...maybe.... oh well...and yes...along with this...there are things i've been puzzled over....things that are happening between Renald and I...i mean...sigh....we're still good frens after what happened last last year....it was ages ago..and i'm so glad it cleared up by now..but then again..we've both gotten to this phase where we both are talking like ol buddies again..but there is like this...constant flirting...it's like..outrageous....i mean..it's good fun....nothing that's supposed to mean anything.....we both know that..i hope....well..we both talked about relationships last night...and i kinda made it clear that I'm not ready to get into a relationship right now..sigh..dunno..too afraid I guess...just not yet....and i think he knows.....but still..when i called him last night (cos it's his bday)...he's still like...honey...baby....he sang to me..haha.it was damn funny...but yeah..it's like that...lets hope all of this is harmless....=o) but yeah...will try to keep making it clear to him...so that i dun have to go through the whole 'I dun feel the same way' episode again...sigh...cos...i realise...i dunno what i want...I'm not ready to know whether i really want to get a bf as of yet...sigh..not yet...not till i sort out my feelings....=o( and yeah....last but not least...the person who's filling my thoughts most of the time....sigh..I've kinda grown to miss him a lot...esp since i got the mail about him and his leg injury and how his granddad isn't doing too well..sigh..shit....it's like..i wish i could be there to make him feel better..and show him i care..yet..me and my stupid pride is holding me back...telling me..he still treated you like crap...why should you bother....i dunno...i dunno..it's driving me nuts....i seriously dunno what to do....i mailed him...i really think i should stop there..i showed i care...it's enough...cos otherwise....it'll be like...i show i care.la dee daa..he'll take me for granted..the cycle goes round again...and i dun wanna be mad at him anymore....i don't..... this so sucks...why why why....aarrggh....I dunno...if anyone can tell me how to stop missing a person....it'll be of a lot of help...i din feel tis way before...but sigh..Iguess when you put it off for long enough..it comes back to you heaps more....=o( oh..and this is a little note...to a very special person who's diary i read....just to let you know....You're not ugly babe...you're beautiful...don;t you ever think otherwise..you stupid woman...i'll go over there and whack you if i could.....you're a wonderful person inside and outside....height...size..whatever...doesn't matter.....you're nonsense...and you tell me..oh Am...who cares if they're tall and skinny...you silly girl...I love you heaps...so much...you wouldn't believe...thank you so much for being there for me....when i need someone to talk to as well....=o) and esp when i needed someone to believe in me when other ppl THINK they know me.....dear..someone..i just know it...it's a gut feeling...someone will come long...find you and tell you how wonderful you are...and love you for everything....trust me..they will....smile k? wuv you heaps... to everyone else who reads this blog...i miss you..sigh..although I see Shan everyday...i swear...we should just run off and have an affair woman..haha...kidding kidding..and to Lid..i need to see you soon hamster baby....Kie..doris...sigh..when i get back to Brunei....we're going to have a blast...and Doris..can't wait till you get your butt over to Sydney...hehe...and to Viv...haven't heard from you in a while..hope you're doing ok...Ying...i love you...dun think so much k?....HUGZ!!! if anything...i'll be here yeah? =o) smile..you look pretty when you smile....and to Tush..babe....I'll always be here...even if it's just here in melb...but i'll be here...promise... thank you to everyone who's been here for me..thank you thank you....what i would do without you all..... ~Am~ at 10:49 AM sigh..just mailed prash. I dunno if it was the right thing to do. But for one...it was a simple mail..just telling him to take care and hoping that things would be ok. harmless i guess. so..yeah...sigh..i dunno..i think i kinda realise why i'm happy this way...not talking to him and stuff...ok..not to say happy..but.content....cos..sigh...basically..i dun wanna be mad at him anymore..i hate being mad at ppl...it's tiring....and i do care about him..why would i wanna be peeved off?..and well..i guess...when i dun msg him and when he doens't need me to msg him..i dun feel like he should at least reply me or anything........and yeah..well..then i wun feel unhappy when he doesn't msg me at all...there's like nothing to expect..and i prefer thnigs that way...i dun think i'm pissed anymore...just...kinda upset ..and disappointed....i just dun wanna be mad at him....that's all..... ~Am~ at 1:32 AM yay..the dance went well today...so damn happy...was good..hehe...shan wants to find me an indian bf..hehe...funny...how ironic...but oh well....glad that it went well..i'm still blur about what to do with prash..cos hello..it's like either i msg him or i don't...cos...i dunno..there are like so many mails to him already..as in mass from my group of frens in spore...and here i am.not saying anything..god..i so dunno what to do....=o( sigh..dunno dunno... but anyhow..on a happier note..my dance is over..it went well..so...satisfied..... ~Am~ at 4:14 PM Sigh..i feel like such a bitch......oh man...i dunno..things going on now..although i know i shouldn't feel this way..but i do..or maybe it's cos i feel like i'm in limbo...have no clue what to do..aarrggh..ok...will tell you all later when i see u.... ~Am~ at 3:37 AM |
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